Fifteen
by anniegoescrazy
Summary: Once again, Jay finds himself drinking at the bar. But this time someone's there to listen...so will he talk? (I still suck at summaries, give it a try!) Lindstead
1. Chapter 1

**Just wanted to post this before tonight's show. I'm super excited, although I don't think he did it. However, I hope you enjoy this. xoxo**

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"I thought I'd find you here", Jay heard her raspy voice behind him. He turned his head a little – just enough to see her sit down next to him. It amazed him every single time how perfect she was, in simple jeans, a shirt and her leather jacket, without much make up and after a long day at work. He smiled weakly before nodding towards the bartender, signaling him to fill up his shot glass once again.

For a moment she just looked at him, wondering if she should talk to him, ask him about what happened today and whose house it was they stopped by at. She had so many questions that he probably wasn't going to answer anyways. All day long, he had avoided pretty much every kind of conversation. She remembered the 'talk' from earlier in the break room.

"I'm your partner, Jay. Talk to me", she had begged him.

She could see that he was going to say something, tell her something, but he didn't.

"You don't wanna know", he had shrugged her off instead, and then left her back, even more worried than before.

For quite a while she debated with herself whether or not she should say something to him. In the end, she just ordered a beer and watched him drink one shot after another. Erin knew that it couldn't be good, let alone healthy, having that much alcohol in so little time and she knew she should probably do something about it, but there was no holding him back. He needed it.

As she looked at him, she could see pain and anger in his face and for some reason, it hurt her. She really cared about him and she couldn't bear seeing him like this. She felt like she needed to know what it was, the thing that bothered him that much, and she was determined to find out. She took a sip of her beer. For now, there wasn't much she could do, other than sitting here with him, hopefully giving him the feeling that he wasn't alone.

* * *

After a while Jay stopped ordering drinks. For a moment he just stared at the bottles behind the bars, then he closed his eyes and set his head down on his hands, massaging his temples. He let out a sigh.

"Come on", Erin said softly with a weak smile, as she took his hand to lead him out of Molly's, leaving her half filled beer behind. He let go of her hand, but still followed her – without asking a single question. Although she didn't say it out loud, he knew she wanted to ask him a million things and he could see it on her face, the moment she'd walked in. 'What's going on with you?' or 'Why don't you talk to me?' would only be some of those questions. He wished he could answer her, but he just didn't know how to. He'd been trying to for quite a while, but he just couldn't do it.

As he walked out the door, still desperately looking for a way to tell her, he just froze and said, "Fifteen."

"What?", a look of confusion spread across Erin's face as she turned around.

"Fifteen", he simply repeated.

"Number of drinks you've had tonight?", she joked, laughing a little.

He shook his had, "Forget it."

"Jay, no...", she said, realizing that this was something serious. "Talk to me", she brought out, sounding a little desperate.

"Fifteen!", he said once again, now walking the few steps down to her. "He would be fifteen."

As his blue eyes met her hazel ones, she could see hurt and pain in them and she was pretty sure that there were tears coming up. Erin had never seen him crying before, which told her that whatever it was – whoever 'he' was – was important, and personal. She didn't dare to ask him more about it, hoping her questioning look would bring him to explain. But it didn't.

Instead he said, "Never mind", turned around and walked away. Erin opened her mouth, wanting to say something, shout something after him, make him feel better... but nothing came out. For the first time in a while, she didn't know what to do. She was the kind of person that always had a plan, always knew what to say, where to go, what to do. Not now. There was no plan for this kind of situation.

Frustrated she got into her car. Running after him didn't make sense to her. She was tempted to call Voight and ask him what's going on, but she felt like she'd betray Jay. He didn't go up to Voight and asked about her past, so she couldn't do it either. Figuring he needed some time alone, she just drove home, trying to convince herself that everything would be okay. It had to be.

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**I might continue this, but I'm not sure yet. Please tell me what you think. :)**


	2. Chapter 2

**Finally finished this, I hope y'all like it. Thanks for so so much positive feedback for the first chapter. It means the world to me! (Sorry for taking so long with this chapter. Also sorry for the end, I wasn't sure how to express myself in English. I did my best.) Anyways, enjoy. xoxo**

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He was wandering trough the city with nowhere to go. Contrary to what one might think, Jay was completely sober, even after all those drinks. The thought of little Benny Carson, lying on the ground, tied up... it just wouldn't leave Jay's mind. It's a picture you can't forget, a picture that haunts you for as long as you're alive. Although he wished all of this never happened, Jay was glad he was the one who found him, to some point at least. It was hard enough for Ben's parents and bigger sister, they didn't need the actual picture in their heads.

As he felt the cold Chicago air blowing around his head, he looked up for the first time since he walked away, leaving his partner behind. Without noticing, he had made the familiar way to the cemetery and was already standing before Ben's grave. Nobody knew about it, but Jay came here quite often.

Especially during the last few weeks, ever since he found out Lonnie was looking for a new kid. He thought he knew exactly how this would end, Jay Halstead had it all planned out: he was going to follow Lonnie on every step, on his time off at least. This way he could maybe step in before Lonnie could touch another boy, or even if he couldn't, he still might have found some kind of evidence while observing him.

Jay Halstead had it all planned out. But he didn't see that coming. Lonnie's dead. It's over. He's never going to put a hand on a boy ever again. He was killed, and that's just fair, or was it? Was this really justice? Of course Jay was glad about Lonnie's death, about the fact that he could never do again what he did to Ben. But still he couldn't stop thinking about it. It was over, for him as well as for Lonnie. He would never go to trial, never put in jail, never suffer. It was just over.

Jay pulled one of his hands out of his pocket and patted Ben's tombstone.

"I miss you, buddy", he whispered, before turning around and leaving the cemetery. What now?

* * *

After what felt like forever, Erin finally fell asleep, just to wake up an hour later to a pounding on her door. She looked at her phone – 2:36 am. It took her a little while to get out of bed but once she stood, the thought of Jay being at the door rushed to her mind. Without even checking who it was, she opened the door.

"Thank God", she whispered barely audible at the sight of her partner standing before her.

He didn't say a word, but he didn't need to. He looked terrible, his eyes still a little red from crying. She figured that he was probably just wandering around for the last couple of hours. So she opened the door a little wider and invited him in with a nod towards her living room. He walked in and sat down on her couch. For a while they just sat there, neither one daring to say a word.

"I'm sorry", Jay's voice seemed loud, as it broke the silence.

"For what?"

"I don't know. Everything?"

Erin had no response for this. She wasn't sure what he was talking about, and she wasn't sure if he knew either.

"I just...", he seemed so vulnerable right now, she couldn't help it. She shuffled on the couch, getting closer to him. Then she laid her arms around him and pulled his head to her shoulder. She had to fight the urge of kissing him, like she wanted to so many times, but she figured this just wasn't the right time to do so.

Even though he resisted at first, he let go and let her comfort him. Neither of them could tell how long they've been sitting there, on her couch, in this hug before he finally pulled away. Her hand was still laying on his neck, her thumb stroking over the back of his head. Within a split second and without really thinking about it, Jay cupped her face with his hands and pulled her in for a kiss. A kiss so intense, it left both of them wanting more.

The feeling of his lips on hers made Erin smile instantly. She had imagined this moment so many times since she got partnered up with Halstead. Even though she'd never thought of these kind of circumstances, the actual kiss exceeded all of her expectations. She'd kissed guys before, but this was different. All the emotions that had build up in them and between the both of them got unloaded in this kiss. Just the feeling of it sent a shiver down Erin's spine. She probably would have never pulled back, would have stayed like this forever, if it wasn't for the salty taste on her lips. With one of her hands on his chest, she pushed him back a little, just a few inches, to see what's going on.

He was crying.

Jay Halstead, one of the toughest guys she'd known, even though she'd like to tease him about not being as tough now and then.

"Jay..", she cut herself off, shocked by the pity in her voice. That was not what he needed, at all.

"I'm sorry", he repeated his words from earlier, before standing up.

Before she could even realize what was going on, she heard a loud bang and silence. It took her a few seconds to understand that it was the sound of her door falling into the lock.

Here she was, again. Being left behind by a hurt Jay, again. Unable to help him, again. Praying to God he would be alright, again.

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**So? What do you think? Any suggestions where this could/should be going? I kinda have a plan for the next chapter, but I'm always open for ideas! :) Leave a review! xoxo**


	3. Chapter 3

**I know, it took me forever to do. I'm sorry, I really am, but like I said in my other story, I got some stuff to deal with. I hope you can forgive me. I'm also working on another thing, let's see if that works out. **

**To clear some things up real quick: the first two chapters happened on a Friday night. Just so you know. Also, I'm leaving out basically the entire investigation against Halstead part. So, Lonnie is dead, but Lindsay doesn't know about Ben. I don't know if this makes any sense, but I just have it that way.**

**Anyways, enjoy and let me know how you liked it. xoxo**

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She was sitting on her couch, not sure how much time had passed. She didn't even know how long he'd been here and she didn't know either how long he'd already been gone for.

Her head was full of thoughts, making her feel like it would explode any second now. She wasn't sure what to make of this situation. Of him showing up. Of the kiss. Did it mean something to him? Heck, did it mean something to her? This tingling, the shiver. The feeling she got, like they were defying gravity.

She would be lying to herself if she said, that she never imagined kissing him. That she's never been tempted to. Plus, if it wasn't for the fact that he'd been crying, she wouldn't have pulled back. Did this mean..? Was she..?

Still sitting on her couch, she gave up on trying to figure it out. All of this was too overwhelming to handle right now. Instead, she decided to ignore it for tonight, she couldn't let him be alone right now, he was too hurt.

So she got up and walked to her bedroom. She looked at her phone. 3:16 a.m. 40 minutes since he'd knocked on her door.

Getting dressed only took her a couple of minutes. She grabbed her phone and her keys, locked the door and went straight to her car. No time to lose.

Going down the streets to his apartment and knowing he had walked all the way to her place, she kept looking outside the window, hoping she would see him on the sidewalk somewhere. He wasn't there.

When she finally arrived at his place, she sprinted up the stairs to his apartment and knocked on the door. Nothing. She took her phone out and called him. Nothing. She tried knocking one more time, then calling him. This time she listened closely, she couldn't hear it ring on the other side of the door. He wasn't home.

Erin decided to wait outside. Maybe he'd come home or at least walk by. As she sat down on the cold stairs of his apartment building, she allowed herself to feel and her mind to wander for the first time since she'd left her place.

He wasn't home and she didn't know where he could possibly be. Jay was a grown man and just needed some time on his own, but Erin couldn't help it. She was so worried. Never before had she seen him like that, he just wasn't himself anymore. And there was no way she could help him. Hell, she didn't even know what was going on.

As she felt the tears streaming down her face, she raised her head to wipe them away. Then it hit her. "No, no, no, no! This can't... Come on.. Please no..", she muttered, as she got up to look if her suspicion was true.

"Damn it.", she yelled out, as she saw the empty lot. When she got out of her car, she didn't even think about looking for his. It was gone. He could be anywhere right now, she wouldn't know.

"Fuck", she exclaimed as she brought her hands up to her head. "Fuck", she said once again quietly, more to herself this time. This couldn't be happening.

On the way back to her place, Erin felt the tears rolling down her cheeks. But she wasn't sad. She couldn't possibly feel sad right now, she was too angry. Angry at him, at herself, at the world. Once again, Erin thought back to the moment they had shared at her place only about an hour before. She wished she'd had held on to him. Hugged him a little tighter, kissed him a little longer, not pulled back.

She tried calling his cell again, this time it went straight to voice mail. She hung up.

* * *

The weekend passed slowly. Erin spent basically her entire Saturday pacing around her apartment and making little trips to Jay's place, to check if his car was there. It wasn't. Kim had asked her to come to Molly's to have a girl's night, but Erin declined. She couldn't. She didn't want to. All she wanted was for him to show up or to at least let her know he's okay. That he's alive and he's okay. Late at night, she called his cell for the probably hundredth time. For the first time, though, she decided to leave him a message. She didn't want to seem too pushy, but it was too late for that now anyways.

Sunday wasn't any different. Erin had stayed up most of the night, it was afternoon when she woke again. She spent the day on the couch watching TV, although she didn't care for anything the television showed.

* * *

As she walked up the stairs to Intelligence on that rainy Monday morning, she could feel it wouldn't be good. Her heart started racing a little when she turned around the corner. It seemed to drop to the floor when she saw his empty desk. For some reason she had really hoped he'd be there. She should have known better. Actually, she knew better. Still, she had hoped.

"CI called in. Drug deal is supposed to go down in about an hour. Move!", Voight's rough voice brought her back into presence, as she set her bag down on her desk.

"Hold on, guys. Halstead is taking personal days. Erin, go with Antonio. Atwater, you're with me."

With that, the entire team got up and made their way to the cars.

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**Wait, what? He left? **

**What do you think about it? :b**


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